They made her stronger, faster...

I have tried to update this blog many times in the past few days, but it appears that blogger has decided to explode. So, pardon my delay. Although apologizing for this reminds me of when I had a diary when I was like 10 years old and I would start every entry with, “sorry it’s been so long since I wrote, I’ve been so busy” which brings up several questions. 1) whom am I apologizing to? Myself? 2) Why do I lie to myself, I wasn’t busy, I was just lazy.

Anyhoo, things have been pretty hectic. Here’s the good news, while my grandmother was officially diagnosed with colon cancer, she came through her surgery really well. She was out three hours early (which I am told is a good sign), and while she had to stay in the hospital longer than was initially estimated, she was sent home on Wednesday night and is recovering well. I know she is really relieved to be back in her house, her own bed, and her own bathroom. Never underestimate the importance of being in your own bathroom. Sometimes, when I am away from home, the thing I miss most is my own bathroom. If that makes me weird, then screw you assface.

I’ve also been going out a lot more lately. I am trying to make a conscious effort to see my friends more often, which means I go out more after work. And while I haven’t really been seeing my family any less, there is a certain amount of accompanying guilt. Although, my step-sister almost never visits them and she lives in the area, so I don’t know why I should feel bad. Also, since Bill switched jobs and got really serious with Amanda we hardly ever hear from him. While nobody ever says it out loud, I get the feeling from my Dad like he expects to come over a lot because he doesn’t think I have anything else going on. That is, I’m not married and don’t have a boyfriend, so what else do I have to do. Which, hello, I have a full-time job, other relatives to see (i.e. my mom) and lots of friends I enjoy going out with. But maybe it’s all in my head…

Riding the “going out more” thread of thought some more, I had perhaps the funnest Saturday night ever last week. My friend Carly and friends of ours that I have met through her, did a whole posh night in DC thing and it was awesome. First, we went to see Stomp at the Warner Theatre, which was like an urban Riverdance; if janitors were dancers kind of thing which just kicked ass all over. And then swept up the said ass and put it in the trash can. Then, we went across the street and had dinner at Chef Geoff’s (one of the best restaurants in DC) because it was the last night of Restaurant Week, and the only time we could afford to eat there.

Finally, one of the Carly’s friend had reserved the VIP room at Fur, a dance club, for his birthday and got us all on the VIP list, so we got to chill in this awesome room above the dance floor. And had our own personal bouncer. And could be reminded of how bad white people are at dancing from our vantage point. Seriously, you would think people out in actual club would have some moves. Apparently not. So, for one night, we got to live as the yuppies with money get to live. And it was good. Also, we all looked totally hot.

Currently Reading: Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child
Currently Listening To: Everytime We Touch by Cascada. I know it’s cheesy, but it got stuck in my head!

Guilt All Over My Face

Last night my Dad, Grandmother, and Aunt came over for dinner. One of the best things about having my own place is that I can invite people over and not have to worry about having enough room or what my roommate's (read: Mom's) plans are. We had a really great time last night, joking around and sharing stories about my dad's home improvement mishaps. I think my favorite was him describing the "dance of death." It involved electrocution and a hedge trimmer. That is all I will say. This morning my Aunt emailed me and asked me if I was feeling alright because she and my grandmother had been up all night sick from the pizza I got from Pizza Hut for them. And no, for once my tummy was fine. Then my Dad called me to ask if I was sick since he had gotten sick too.

HAS THE WORLD TILTED OFF ITS AXIS?? I am never the one who doesn't get sick! I'm always the one who gets sick! Has my stomach finally learned to resist food poisoning?? Is the beginning of a new culinary world for Maggie? Y'all this is really exciting.

Except now I feel bad for feeding my family evil poisonous pizza. And I feel doubly bad for not having gotten sick. But, still. I didn't get sick!!

SMASHY SMASHY!

Approximately three weeks ago I had a little fender bender. Basically, the lady in front of me was turning right, and then changed her mind and slammed on her brakes. Since I was checking traffic to see if it was safe for me to turn right as well, I bumped her bumper. We exchanged information, but there was no damage to my car and no injuries. Yesterday I get a fax from the lady's husband with an estimate of the damage to their bumper (not high enough to be covered by my deductible, so I have to pay for it out of pocket). Which ok, fine. No big deal, right? But with my astounding capacity for overthinking I found myself lying awake last night thinking about it and worrying about it, even though I can afford to pay for it with no real problem. I guess the whole thing is just kind of embarrassing. I think of myself as a good driver and so I find instances like this to just be hard to deal with and I beat myself up about it. Why can't I just let this stuff go?

Grandma update: On January 11, my grandmother is having surgery to remove part of her bowel, presumably this includes the part with the mass. I don't think the biopsy results have come back, but it sounds like the mass is large enough that they want to go ahead and take it out. She will be in the hospital for 4 days, but her heart and lungs are strong, and she doesn't seem too worried about it. Thanks to everyone who has sent me (and her) your well wishes!

Also, Happy New Years to everyone! As many of you know, I am not the biggest fan of new year's eve celebrations, but this year I had a really grat time, thanks to my friend Chris who took me to the International Club of DC's Global Gala party at the Adams Morgan Mariott downtown. We had a hotel room and 9 different themed rooms to party in. I played some Texas Hold 'Em in the Las Vegas room (and played very well thx) and danced a lot in the New York room, listened to an Irish band in Dublin and snagged some yummy chocolated in Vienna. It was probably one of my most fun NYE's ever, and I think it must be because I actually went out to a big function that wasn't so much focused on New Year's as it was on having a great time. Our next stop: Atlantic City on January 28 where Chris gets free rooms from the hotels so he will come and gamble. Can a girl have a gay sugar daddy? Because I sure do.

Currently Reading: "Soul Music" by Terry Pratchett
Currently Watching: Law and Order SVU

Mom Quote of the Day
Me: You want to go to a movie on Friday night?
Mom: Hmm. I'm not sure. I'm putting forward a motion for a continuing resolution. I'll get back to you with my decision.
Me: We aren't balancing the budget here you know.

Holiday Blues (not)

Last night I had a dream. I dreamt that I was back in high school (I know), and I had been switched to a different high school which meant I had no idea where anything was or where I was supposed to go. Not only did I wake up late that morning and missed the bus, I had to drive to the new school and try to find a parking space, even though I didn’t have a student parking pass yet. Also, for some odd reasons I was starting this new high school the day after Christmas. In any event, I caught a break and there was a booth set up with a parking attendant (weird, huh?) and she was all, “don’t worry about it, all the ticketers are off for the holidays so you can leave your car anywhere.” After parking my car and trying to locate the main entrance of the school, I realized I couldn’t find my class schedule. This is where the dream kicked into classic anxiety mode. I went through folder after folder and pocket after pocket of my Traperkeeper (I KNOW!) and still could not find a class schedule. I had no idea which classes I had, or what room they were in, or where I was supposed to be! If you know anything about me at all, you know I need structure to function. So this was a very stressful dream. And then I saw my friend Kim from high school and she gave me a big hug and told me she knew right where I needed to go and oh, did I want to have lunch with her and all my old friends? And then I was calm.

Weird, huh?

So the holidays have come and gone, but I just stumbled across this little gem. A song from Lindsey Lohan's sister Ali's christmas album (!!!) called a Lohan Holiday. You must listen. I could have written and recorded this song in my bathroom with an old tape player and it would sound better. Jesus. Their family is so effed up.

It's Not A Tumah

The lack of updates to this blog is not indicative of a lack of events in my life. On the contrary, I have been spending so little time at home lately, that I haven’t had a chance to fill everyone in. I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not update at work. The most important news of late has to do with my Grandma Riley (my dad’s mom). She has been feeling very fatigued for the past few months, and after running some blood tests, the doctors discovered that she is severely anemic. However, they also discovered that she had a mass in her colon, and she has had to endure a barium swallow and a colonoscopy as they try to discover whether it is a cyst or a tumor. I think the results come back next week.

It’s funy (and not in the ha ha way). My grandmother is 86 years old, but she’s one of the most active people I know. She has always cut the grass and does all the yardwork (including trimming the branches on the trees), and she always does the housework. I mean, I know that she was old and starting to slow down, but the idea that she could actually be sick always seemed like a distant fear. Now I find myself worried that our time together might be running short. I think terrible things like, “this might be our last Christmas with Grandma,” or “Grandma will probably not see me get married.” Are thoughts like this normal?

As the holidays approach, I guess I’ll just try to spend as much time as possible over at her house. I just got back from putting up her Christmas tree and stringing the lights. She kept trying to get me to let her get on the step ladder and straighten the angel tree topper and wire the tree to the wall (to make sure it doesn’t fall over). I had to tell her that I knew my Dad would kill me if I let her get up on that ladder. And he would. It’s hard for her, because she doesn’t want to be useless and have everyone do everything for her. At the same time she needs to recognize that she is no longer as spry as she used to be, and working like she used to around the house can have serious physical consequences. A couple weeks ago she was out in the yard and pulled some muscles in her back, she could barely stand for 5 days. So we all try to help her as much as possible, while at the same time allowing her to still feel independent and needed. But she still is the one to take care of all of us. She is our matriarch!

The moral? Getting old sucks. But my Grandmother rules.

Popo's Creepin, Yo.

On Wednesdays after work I head to my Dad’s house for the usual two-fer of dinner and verbal power struggles. While driving to Dad’s house this week, I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw flashing blue and red lights. Like any good person my immediate thought was, “shit.” That’s right, folks, I got pulled over. Now I would like to point out that I was going 41 in a 35 mph zone. 6 miles over the speed limit. So I pulled over and this youngish cop comes up to me and we have the following conversation:

Cop: My name is Officer So and So with the Alexandria Police Department. The reason I pulled you over is…
Me: *I was only going 6 mph over, my tages are not expired, OMG do I have a tail light out? Does he think I have a dead body in the trunk? Is there an ax murderer in the back seat??*
Cop: …you were speeding.
Me: *Seriously?*
Cop: You passed the speed limit sign and then you passed me..
Me: *face palm* (no seriously, I whacked myself when he said that)
Cop…so I just wanted to make sure everything was ok.
Me: Uh….yeah.
Cop: Where are you headed?
Me: My father’s house.
Cop: Ok, well I’m not going to write you a citation…
Me: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Cop: ..unless you have an expired or suspended license. Anything like that?
Me: Absolutely not.
Cop: (after going to check his computer-thingy) Ok, well then, have a nice night. And the police station is right near where we are, so watch out when you drive on this street.

It was…weird. I mean, I was not going all that fast, and he asked me if I was ok. Like, he thought I had a gaping head wound or something. In which case I would probably be driving faster than just 6 miles over the speed limit. And then he didn’t give me a ticket, so what was the point of pulling me over? Not that I am complaining about not getting a ticket. Maybe he just wanted to warn the other drivers to show there was police presence on the road. My main theory right now is that he was a cop-in-training and he was just practicing his people skills. Or maybe he just felt bad for me.

Tryptophan, HO!

Thankgiving has come and gone, and the holiday season is now in full swing. I wish I could say the spirit of the season is upon me, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like almost-Christmas at all. Maybe it has something to do with the upheaval from my moving into my own place and my lack of decorations, but I just can’t jump on board the Xmas train. Perhaps I will put up some Christmas lights or something tonight. That will help.

So turkey day and the Amanda invasion of 2006 has come and gone. For those of you not keeping up with the intimate details of my life 24-7, my brother has been dating my good friend from high school Amanda for almost a year now. While this has resulted in its moments of weirdness for me, Amanda spent the entire week with the Riley clan for Thanksgiving and I am very happy to say she fit right in (although she is a bit more normal than the rest of us) and it wasn’t weird at all. In fact, it seemed strangely normal to have her there. What if she and my brother get married?? That would be kinda cool actually, but I hope they don’t do the married couple joined-at-the-hip thing. I love Amanda, but I also like spending quality sibling time alone with my brother. I was talking to my Grandmother about it, and I think I figured out that Bill and I are so close because when we were kids with our parents being divorced, we spent so much time being shuffled around together and we were always there for one another. When we weren’t fighting that is. So I need my Bill alone time. But between the two of us girls, Bill will be the sharpest dressed engineer at Ford, or wherever he ends up working.

Currently Reading: “Bridge to Terabithia” by Katherine Paterson

Currently Watching: Veronica Mars rape case finale! Best show on tv, y’all.

Two Week Round-Up

Two weeks ago (where does the time go?), I had hosted my housewarming and popped the cherry on my new condo. As some of you may remember, my holiday party last year was not without it’s drama, but I am happy to report that this year’s shindig was a rousing success! Although universes collided, there were no fatalities. I think the layout of my condo was much more conducive to mingling, and everywhere I went, I saw different groups of people chatting. Law school friends, high school friends, work peeps, and college buddies all interacted with one another. And no blood was spilled! Although Mike did knock over a cranberry Mike’s lemonade, but luckily Resolve carpet cleaner was there to save the day. If they ever asked, I would so do commercials for that stuff it is amazing.

Hehe’s wedding to Kevin was over a month ago, and I received a thank you card from her yesterday. I usually read my mail on the elevator ride up to my condo (since I only receive, on average, one piece of real mail a day), and I managed to make a complete fool of myself doing that mundane task. Here is the relevant text of the card: “Dear Maggie, Thank you so much for the beautiful reading you did at the wedding…thanks so much for your help picking out my dress, I received so many compliments on it…and thanks for the silicone bakeware you got for us. It is the shit. I have always wanted it!” So, there I am reading this card in a crowded elevator thinking “awww…this card is so sweet” and then I get to the “it is the shit” portion. And of course, I bust out laughing. It was just so….Hehe. And everyone in the elevator stares at me. As you do. Best thank you card, EVER.

They (and by they I meant he crack local weatherpeople) are predicting a severe thunderstorm for the DC metro area today. I find myself actually looking forward to it. I had the Riley clan over for dinner on Sunday and my ES (evil stepmother) asked me if I had seen any lightning yet out the wall of windows in the condo. I had to tell her no, but it really got me thinking about how cool that would be. Since I can pretty much see all of Alexandria from my view, I am thinking a good storm could be a really neat sight. As long as my building doesn’t get struck by lightning, even thought it’s the tallest thing around for miles…..oh, crap.

Currently Reading: The Ruins by Scott Smith

Currently Listening to: Fidelity by Regina Spektor.

Operation SVH Check: # 19: Showdown (Lila and Jessica compete over the same boy)

Chuck Norris, Eat Your Heart Out

In order to feed my continuing obsession with Jensen Ackles, I bring you Dean Winchester facts. Loosly based on (er, completely ripped off from) the Chuck Norris Facts that have been taking the internets by storm.

Top Thirty Dean Winchester Facts

1. Guns don't kill demons. Dean Winchester kills demons.

2. There is no hierarchy of demons. Just a list of demons Dean Winchester allows to live. For now.

3. When Dean Winchester was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Dean Winchester received an "A+" for writing only the words "Dean Winchester" and promptly turning in the paper.

4. The chief export of Dean Winchester is SEX.

5. Dean Winchester does not go hunting, because hunting implies the possibility of failure. Dean Winchester goes killing.

6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Dean Winchester.

7. Dean Winchester does not read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

8. If Dean Winchester is late, time better slow the fuck down.

9. Dean Winchester can slam a revolving door.

10. Dean Winchester's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

No, wait. That's Chuck Norris.

ADDENDUM: Dean Winchester has cured cancer and looked damn good doing it.

11. If a demon can see Dean Winchester, he can see it. If it can't see Dean Winchester it may be only seconds away from death.

12. Dean Winchester has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

13. When Dean Winchester sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Dean Winchester has not had to pay taxes, ever.

14. Dean Winchester owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

He was four.

15. Dean Winchester doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

16. Dean Winchester is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

17. Time and tide wait for no man. Unless that man is Dean Winchester.

18. Dean Winchester sleeps with a night light. Not because Dean Winchester is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Dean Winchester.

19. Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWDWD?"

20. Crop circles are Dean Winchester's way of telling the world that sometimes, corn needs to lie the fuck down.

21. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Dean Winchester can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.


22. Dean Winchester has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

23. Dean Winchester actually died ten years ago, but no Grim Reaper can get up the courage to tell him.

24. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dean Winchester and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

25. Dean Winchester once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

26. Dean Winchester went to the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands

27. Dean Winchester is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Dean Winchester.

28. Dean Winchester's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

29. Dean Winchester always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

30. Dean Winchester sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled hunting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Dean shot the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you want to see the original Chuck Norris facts, click here. There are 9 pages worth. Damn. I guess males in the 18-34 age group really like Chuck Norris.

Operation Sweet Valley High

I'm a big reader, always have been. So imagine my delight when after emptying my storage unit I came across all sixty or so Sweet Valley High novels I greedily absorbed as a fifth and sixth grader. Also, all forty-some Babysitter Club Books.

In an effort to reconnect with my youth, and because I am that big a dork, I have decided to embark on a literary journey and reread all my SVH books. I am now on #13 (they take about an hour to read), and I cannot tell you how surprised I am by what I have discovered. They hold up. The schlooky, melodramatic, soap-operatastic lives of the Wakefield twins actually hold up to close scrutiny 15 years later! The only complaint I really have is how so many things can happen in the space of a year in one town (the Wakefields are permanently juniors in high school). Believe it or not though, the books have excellent continuity with each other, the characters are all fully fleshed out and developed (even the bit players often get their own major storyline down the road), and the writing is pretty darn good.

The one thing I have noticed that has drastically changed is who I root for. As an 11 year old girl, I loved Jessica. The dramatic, flighty, popular, bit of a ho twin. She really doesn't care about anyone but herself, and went with what felt good. I found Elizabeth, the studious nice twin, to be boring. But now! Things have changed! While reading the books now, I pretty much find Jessica to be a meglomaniacal bitch and want Elizabeth to just punch her in the face. Not that it's going to happen, but it would be nice. I can't wait to get to my SVH Thrillers. Where the Wakefield twins solve murders! Angela Lansbury, eat your heart out.

Currently Reading: SVH #13, "Kidnapped!" and "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman. I can't be losing my reading street cred.

Currently Watching: Heroes. Best new show of the season y'all.

Random Linkage

Wow, and you thought your Aunt's Ruth's handbag was ugly? Check out these purses, whose inspiration seems to be classic horror films. Truly terrifying!

This game is quite possibly, the cutest and most addicting game I have ever played in my entire life. Even the sound effects are cute! I think I waste about 1.5 hours a day playing; but I made it to level 14!

Who said necrophilia can't be funny?

Want to know where I am going to be August of next year? Right here bitches. But there will be no dressing in costume. That is just a tad bit too far.

For all you law school types, or those with a strange sense of humor who want to learn more about the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, I give you this personality test. Here are my results:

YOU ARE RULE 20(a)!

You are Rule 20, an important part of the Federal Rules' policy of permissive joinder. You are designed specifically to allow as many parties in an action as can be tried efficiently, and you'll include someone as long as there is some factual overlap between a claim involving them and the rest of the case at hand. You are popular, out-going, and are never far from friends. However, your overly gregarious nature and magnanimous approach do make things a bit crowded--you're the reason that lawsuits are often cluttered with innumerable parties and even more numberous claims for relief. Still, despite the crowds that you attract, you can't argue with the efficiency of getting everything done at once!

So basically, I am a big old party ho. Sweet!

The Flo', No Mo'

My furniture hath arrived! WOO! This means no more sitting on the floor for me thanks very much. However, in typical Maggie-land fashion, the furniture people managed to screw something up. Specifically, my recliner. It was supposed to have the dark wood finish, but instead came with the light wood finish. So in my condo of the many dark wooded furnitures, it looks a little goofy. Basically, it just means they will have to order me another chair and let me hang onto this one until it arrives. Stupid layzboy.

In other news, there is much fun stuff coming up this weekend with the Halloween celebrations. Even though I had to bug out of going to Williamsburg with the Selvster for homecoming (I know, I suck) there is much frolicing to be had in the corn maze on Friday night and Arista's holiday bash on Saturday night. Now hopefully the rain will hold off...

Also, standing invite to any and all readers of this blog to come see my new digs and set your ass down on the finest microfiber this side of Arlington!

We'll Always Have Paris

Imagine if you will: 18 yo Maggie. A freshman at college. So innocent, so naive...well, not really. But I remember walking over to the group of dorms affectionately known as "the ghetto" at William and Mary, and seeing a bunch of people sitting outside smoking, dressed in black, and being all hardcore. Could it be? Would these too-cool-for-school befriend chubby geeky Mags? Why yes, they would. Specifically one such person known as JR.

JR hails from West Virginia and is one of the most awesome gay men ever. We ended up being friends first through mutual friends (most notably one awesome Asian named Dennis and one big bitch named David), but then we struck out on our own when we discovered we had many similar intersts. Things like theatre, calling each other cunts, liking my breasts, and talking smack about people when they weren't looking. So JR and I have stayed friends ever since freshman year of college, which is now 8 years ago. I KNOW! Dude, I am getting old.

Anyhoo, JR loves all things French, and he speaks like 5 languages, so despite the fact that he has been working as some kind of financial advisor (an aside--I've known this kid since he was a kind of manic-depressed teenager, and he turned into a confident FINANCIAL ADVISOR. We were having lunch one day and he looked at me and said, "you're a lawyer and I'm a businessman!" and it the weirdest thing ever), JR decided to live in France and takes grad classes.

And all of that was really just a precursor to the story I am about to tell. I was IMing JR one evening, and I asked him, "so what is it like living in France? What are the people like?" And in response he sent me this link. It basically tells you everything you need to know about the French as a people. Enjoy!

Seriously, watch it. It's the best music video ever. Mon Dieu!

Cut The Cord

Here I am folks. In my own place. So far so good, although I have no sofa or chair so I am sitting on the floor as we speak. I'm SO glad I spent so much time picking out all these gorgeous throw pillows so I can sit on them on the carpet. Woot!

Living alone has been going swimmingly, except for one teeny tiny incident. After five days of bone-breaking work (especially by my incredible force-of-nature mother), my second night here I had a minor...panic attack. I was just lying there, trying to fall asleep so I could get some rest before work the next morning and I had a freak-out. I am not one usually given to self-doubt, or any doubt, but this was a full-fledged OMFG WHAT AM I DOING? Did I make the right decision? Will I be able to afford this? Will I miss living at home? Why do I feel so guilty about leaving Mom at home alone? But then I told myslef, dude, you are 26. Get over it. Moving out is not that huge a deal.

So here we are! Of course, there are still things to be done. The DVD player is too big for the entertainment center so it sticks out about half a foot and looks really weird. Also, I need to hang drapes and window blinds, finish painting and hanging the cabinets, actually buy some food, and hang all my pictures. But it'll come. Hopefully, along with my freakin couch and chair!

We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True...Doing It Our Way!

When it rains, it pours. Although for the first time, this saying is not referring to bad stuff, but to good stuff. On Monday I not only closed on my condo (I’m a homeowner!!) but also got a promotion at work at an accompanying $10,000 raise. Best week ever!

But these coming days are going to be crazy, so if you are looking for Maggie, you’re basically SOL. I am working this week, taking Friday off, and spending the morning painting the new place. Then I am skipping off to Reston for Hehe’s wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Then on Saturday is her big day! I’m really excited for her, but also distracted by all the condo stuff, so I now I feel bad about being distracted and not being more excited for her. Sunday will be dedicated to finishing up the painting and cleaning the kitchen cabinets (they are covered in grease). My move-in day is next Monday, October 9, and my furniture is being delivered the next day! So basically, the next week is INSANE. In the membrane.

In honor of my new place I have made a list of the top 10 things that are great about living by yourself:

1) You don’t have to call your Mom to record Lost for you when you forget to tape it; you have your very own DVR that remembers to do it for you!

2) You can eat as much Mac and Cheese as I want and nobody can give me (I mean, you!) crap for it.

3) You can burp/fart/sneeze/cough etc. whenever you want.

4) There is nobody there to give you the stinkeye when you come home with another shoe store shopping bag.

5) You have more….private time with yourself (wink wink nudge nudge).

6) All the hot water is for me!

7) Doing laundry at 3 in the morning only inconveniences yourself.

8) Nobody moves your stuff around after you have placed it somewhere. Which means you can find it when you need it. Hopefully.

9) 3 closets, all for MEEEEE!

10) Clothing is optional.

Give Me A Heart Attack, Why Don'tcha

A few days ago I received a packet of information from my loan officer that I needed to sign. Imagine my surprise when I look at the good faith estimate of my closing costs and realize it is $4000 higher than my original quote. In the immortal words of Damon Wayans, "Homey don't play that."

I am probably more fortunate than most that I have been working with the Branch Manager of the bank, although my paperwork was prepared by an underling. An underling who apparently screwed the fuck up. After talking to Scott (the manager), he told me that the numbers on the form I received were apparently plucked out of thin air and he had sent the loan officer a blistering email. Which now makes me feel kind of bad, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but seriously, $4000 is a lot of money. So you can understand my freak-out.

In other condo news, I did a second walk-through inspection to make sure the owner has repaired the things noted in the home inspection report. Well, he didn't. He replaced an outlet and put a new battery in the smoke alarm. That's about it. Which means there is still some electrical and plumbing work. And I am one week away from closing. I have a funny feeling Jean Claude (the seller) is going to stick me with fixing all this crap, and just take money off the sale price. Bastard. He's supposed to take care of this! Argh.

Currently Watching: X-Files. Creepy nail and hair fetish episode. In other news, how cute are Mulder and Scully?

Mom Quote of the Day: (upon seeing a guy in the hall of my new building) "I bet that's him! Jean Claude! He looks French...and freaky."

What the Eff?

Today a lady did something that just completely befuddled me. The bathroom on my floor was finally open after undergoing weeks of renovations, and I was happily situated in the first stall. The first in a line of six. Another lady comes in, and ENTERS THE STALL RIGHT NEXT TO ME. She has her choice of five...other…stalls. And she has to choose the one right next to me? Maybe I am overly weird, or just have a shy bladder, but that kind of freaks me out. She could have gone all the way to the other end of the bathroom, but no she has to go and pee like a foot and a half away from me. Way to respect my personal space, beyotch.

Currently Reading: “Map of Love” by Ahdaf Soueif

Currently Listening To: “Wicked” Original Broadway Soundtrack

Mom Quote of the Day:

Me: How come you’re so grumpy? At least I have an excuse.
You don’t even have a uterus anymore!
Mom: Yeah, well I still got ovaries so shut up.

Showstoppers

I’m going to see Kathy Griffin! That’s the big news this week. As many of you know, I am a Bravo junkie, meaning I can sit on my ass for hours and watch shows on the Bravo television network. Project Runway marathons, Queer Eye, it matters not, I will sit and watch.* One of the best guilty-pleasure shows on Bravo has been Kathy Griffin: Life on the D-List. Kathy is that sassy red-headed comedian who likes to talk trash about people more famous than her, or as I like to call her, my mentor. Well, it turns out Kathy is coming to DC in October and doing her stand-up at the Kennedy Center, and thanks to my quick-thinking friend Arista, I am going to be there!

In related news, there are tons of fantastic broadway shows traveling to DC or Baltimore in the coming months. Randomly, I decided to check out the webpages for the National Theatre, the Warner Theatre, and the Hippodrome to see what was coming, and HOLY SINGING AND DANCING, BATMAN! There are no less than 6 shows coming I want to see. If you are interested in seeing any of the following, drop me a line:

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee on Sept. 28

The Producers on Nov. 21

The Light in the Piazza, Dec.19 through Jan. 7

Wicked, Jan. 24 through Feb. 18

Aida, Feb. 13-18

Phantom of the Opera, June 20 through Aug. 12

I already have tickets to see the Spelling Bee and Producers, but the more the merrier! Who’s up for some culture??

* Except for the following: Work Out, Top Chef, and the Real Housewives of Orange County. Nothing in this world could convince me to watch those pieces of shit.


IM of the day: from Selvi, discussing our upcoming bridge game:

oh, man, just like in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
and the women's card club!
5pm - take seats
5:15 - someone makes the first "pete masturbates" joke

My Boss Has A Sense of Humor

I just had the most awesome email conversation with my judge that began with a typo in one of my decisions. Basically, instead of calling him a "Veterans Law Judge," I said he was an "Acting Veterans Law Judge." Here are the emails in conversation form:

Him: I almost missed it. You demoted me to Acting Veterans Law Judge status on the decision I just signed. Are you trying to tell me something?

Me: Uh, whoops. I think that is from when I was writing for all those Actings last week. Or, I am sending a subtle subliminal signal that you should well walk softly stranger....nah. Just a whoops!

Him: Make sure you never identify Nancy as an Acting Veterans Law Judge. There is no telling what adverse consequences might result.

Me: I sometimes feel that she could destroy me with just the power of her mind.

Him: You are so right.

It's Mine!

Condo update: I got one!

It's located on the top floor of a high-rise in West Alexandria and has the most magnificent view. Pics will be forthcoming but blogger is taking far too long to load them right now. But yay for having my own place!