Friday, July 29, 2005

Survival of the not-so-fittest

Well, sometimes the best you can say is: I survived. And that's pretty much how it feels. The bar is now over, it is out of my hands, and it is up to the elderly, white, male, conservative members of the Virginia Board of Bar Examiners whether I will sink or swim. I have decided to go with "cautiously optimistic" when people ask me how I did.

The exam consisted of two days, six hours each day. The first day was the essay portion where we were asked specifically about Virginia law (and a wee bit of federal law). There are 9 essays and 20 short anwer questions. I know that I bombed one of the questions but I feel pretty good about my responses to the other ones, so hopefully it all comes out in the wash. And you gotta figure everyone is going to mess up something, mine happened to be choice of law. In which I discussed neither choices nor laws. Yay me!

The second day was devoted to 200 multiple choice questions based on the "common law" also known as "dumb ass old rules that no state uses anymore so what is the point of this shit." The most difficult part of this portion of the exam is sitting still for 6 hours and wading through 200 questions. And in case you were wondering, I have no clue how I did on that portion. It's multiple choice so who the hell knows.

So that's the story of the bar exam. It sucked and now it's over. Now I can get back to my three weeks of doing nothing. Because I start my job at the SEC Labor and Employment Division on August 22. I have three weeks from yesterday to lounge around, watch movies, call the people I haven't talked to in 3 months, etc. And right now I am watching funniest game show moments on VH1. God bless America.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Spongebob Squarebrain

I have decided my brain is much like Spongebob Squarepants. Not that it lives in a pineapple (although the shape of my head has been the subject of much hilarity) but that is has reached the point of maximum saturation. I am not sure it is entirely possible to cram anymore knowledge into it. I could try, but burnout lurks on the horizon, along with panic and malcontent. So what's a girl to do?

Panic seems to be the operative word. Although that is rarely helpful. Denial? Getting closer. I have chosen to adopt a fatalistic attitude--if I pass, I pass, and if I fail, I fail. I am sure the Veteran's Board will allow me to work as a law clerk until Februrary when I have to repeat this entire process over again. Because to be honest with you, it's all a crapshoot now. Will they ask me something I know? Hopefully. But if they ask me something I don't know (like the requirements for admitting a medical report) I will crash and burn. My only consolation is everyone else will probably crash as burn as well. If I go down, all you bitches are going down with me.

And there is all this pressure to perform. Your family, your friends not in the legal field "You'll be'll do great...think of it just as another test." Except it's not. Your entire ability to work in the field hinges on these two days. Of course you get pretty much as many chances as you want to pass, but until that happens your life is on hold and you are mooching off your parents for another six months living in the basement. Which isn't bad when your Mom has a flair for decorating like mine (seriously this place is like the Marriot) but it's still your parent's basement.

So what conclusion have I come to? If I pass, great. If I fail it is not indicative of me as a person. It means I had a bad day and next time I have to work harder. It means I will suck it up and do better next time. And drink a loooooooooot of vodka before gettin back up on that horse. Cause nothing improves your ability to concentrate like hard liquor. Except maybe drugs. But I can't afford those because I will have failed the bar exam and can't work. But you know, it's allllll good.

The only thing left is the bitterness for the process. What does all this prove about my ability to function as a lawyer? Not a hell of a lot, unless lawyering is all about memorizaton of non-flexible lists. Which sometimes, I admit, it is. But all of this totally cuts out the human element of lawyering, the chance to prove your point, and the abiltiy to once in a while HELP SOMEONE. But is there really any better way to test this. Who the crap knows. I just wish we didn't have to wear business suits while we take the damn thing. But I am NOT wearing panty hose in Roanoke, Virginia in the middle of July. Suck it Virginia Board of Bar Examiners.

PS: Took a break and just watched the Buffy musical "Once More with Feeling." Is it too late to forget this law thing and run away to New York and join the stage? Please?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Made to Order

May I comment for a moment on the beauty that is MTV's "Made?" This show is the perfect blend of voyeurism, emotion, comedy etc. that makes me like watching good reality shows. It doesn't have the same ick and creepy factor as "I Want a Famous Face" and it's more entertaining than the Real World (which has become a steaming pile of crap I haven't watched since the New Orleans season which was like 10 years ago. I wonder what every happened to that really hot gay dude who later went on to guest-star on Dawson's Creedk?)

Anyhoo Made is the shit. Turn it on and BOOM you are sucked in for the hour. I love the first episode they did with the chubby theatre girl who wanted to be a cheerleader, or when they turn the nerd into a "mac" as he calls himself, or the unpopular black girl who runs for student body president to get at the blonde, bitchy, A list girls. This is quality television folks. I bet all of us wish someone would have rescued us in high school and made our dreams and stickin it to 'em come true.

On another, and equally voyeristic note, what the HELL has happened to Lindsay Lohan. I mean, dude. She looks like crap. I gues it's "in" to be thin now, but for goodness sake when you look like you were just liberated from Auschwitz EAT SOMETHING. I have a plan all worked out. You hold her arms (since they are so thin now you could hold her down with your pinky) and I will force chocolate milkshake protein drinks down her throat. We'll have her looking beefcake in no time. And where is this girl's mother? When she's done posting the bond for her ex-hubbie would it kill her to take her daughter a cheeseburger joint or something? Visit the folks over at for a laugh. Watch out for the pictures though, YECH!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Seriously and Whatever

So, yeah. I finally broke down and created a weblog or "blog" as those crazy kids are calling them. I realized I didn't want to do one because it would distract me and then I remembered after next Wednesday I won't have anything to distract from. Because the bar will be over and I will be able to finally live as normal folk do. Or so I hear.

So hi everyone. But since I already know most of you who are reading this I will take no time to introduce myself (and honestly, why would anyone else care?). Either you get it or you don't. And right now I sure as hell don't.

I have been incommunicado with most of you this summer due to the heinous experience that is studying for the Virginia bar exam. It's one of things where if you don't do it, you really don't understand it. Example: I took my mom to the dentist the other day and the receptionist was asking me about what I was doing this summer. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Receptionist Lady: "Oh! I had to go through a similar experience to get my dental hygenist certification."

Me: "oh really (please shut up now)."

RL: "It was so hard...they showed us slides of teeth and you had to know what they were asking and which teeth they were and they didn't tell you anything. It was really hard!"

Me: "wow. (are you fucking kidding me with this???)"

RL: But I am sure you will be fine. They make review books, don't they?"

Me: "yes, thank you. (as long as I have my trusty review book I should be fine for the exam that tests me on everything I ever learned after three years of graduate school and on all the classes I couldn't fit into my schedule like will and trusts and somebody please kill me but kill this woman first so I can watch)"

So yeah, that's an example. And don't get me started on the creepy 70 year old man who started talking to me on the Metro when I pulled out my flashcards. If someone is clearly trying to learn some flashcards I would not take that as an invitation to start talking to them. But, hey, that's just me. I'm also not a 70 year old lecher who thought he would chat up the girl with the big tits.

Wow, this blogging experience is going to be so much fun! Finally I can channel all my rage and thinly veiled contempt for the world around me. Woohoo! I promise things will get more light hearted after the bar, which is next Tuesday and Wednesday for all those who were wondering (July 26-27).

In the meantime, enjoy a fun link curtesy of my twisted friend Matt. Scroll down to the bottom and watch them in order.