I have decided my brain is much like Spongebob Squarepants. Not that it lives in a pineapple (although the shape of my head has been the subject of much hilarity) but that is has reached the point of maximum saturation. I am not sure it is entirely possible to cram anymore knowledge into it. I could try, but burnout lurks on the horizon, along with panic and malcontent. So what's a girl to do?
Panic seems to be the operative word. Although that is rarely helpful. Denial? Getting closer. I have chosen to adopt a fatalistic attitude--if I pass, I pass, and if I fail, I fail. I am sure the Veteran's Board will allow me to work as a law clerk until Februrary when I have to repeat this entire process over again. Because to be honest with you, it's all a crapshoot now. Will they ask me something I know? Hopefully. But if they ask me something I don't know (like the requirements for admitting a medical report) I will crash and burn. My only consolation is everyone else will probably crash as burn as well. If I go down, all you bitches are going down with me.
And there is all this pressure to perform. Your family, your friends not in the legal field "You'll be fine...you'll do great...think of it just as another test." Except it's not. Your entire ability to work in the field hinges on these two days. Of course you get pretty much as many chances as you want to pass, but until that happens your life is on hold and you are mooching off your parents for another six months living in the basement. Which isn't bad when your Mom has a flair for decorating like mine (seriously this place is like the Marriot) but it's still your parent's basement.
So what conclusion have I come to? If I pass, great. If I fail it is not indicative of me as a person. It means I had a bad day and next time I have to work harder. It means I will suck it up and do better next time. And drink a loooooooooot of vodka before gettin back up on that horse. Cause nothing improves your ability to concentrate like hard liquor. Except maybe drugs. But I can't afford those because I will have failed the bar exam and can't work. But you know, it's allllll good.
The only thing left is the bitterness for the process. What does all this prove about my ability to function as a lawyer? Not a hell of a lot, unless lawyering is all about memorizaton of non-flexible lists. Which sometimes, I admit, it is. But all of this totally cuts out the human element of lawyering, the chance to prove your point, and the abiltiy to once in a while HELP SOMEONE. But is there really any better way to test this. Who the crap knows. I just wish we didn't have to wear business suits while we take the damn thing. But I am NOT wearing panty hose in Roanoke, Virginia in the middle of July. Suck it Virginia Board of Bar Examiners.
PS: Took a break and just watched the Buffy musical "Once More with Feeling." Is it too late to forget this law thing and run away to New York and join the stage? Please?