Always a Bridesmaid...

Time for some hilarious wedding stories. This past weekend was Jennifer's wedding in lovely downtown Fredericksburg, Virginia. She will now be referred to as "Jennifer L. Herbek." Although calling her that might confuse her. I'm gonna go with "old ball and chain" for the next few weeks.

I arrived at the Caltabiano (Jen's folks) home on Friday afternoon. And then I watched Jen pack, answer the phone, and stress out her Mom. Everything was going fine up until when Selvi entered from stage left. Or should I say when we had to go carry her on from stage left.

Picture this: 5:07pm and the rehearsal starts at 6:00. Where hath Selvi gone? Jen's phone rings, I of course assume Selvi went the wrong way on I-95 and ended up in Florida...but no. She is on the side of the road with a flat tire! Damn you Firestone and your tires with weak structural integrity! Jen's Dad and I hop in the Ford Expedition (biggest. car. ever.) and go rescue Selvi. She happened to pick the perfect place to have a flat so we had no problem getting her. Although we had to leave her car on the side of the highway for a few hours since there was no time to change the tire. But we left a note. Something along the lines of "please don't tow my car Mr. State Trooper."

The rehearsal was fun, although I acted like an idiot through the entire thing. My nervous habit is apparently acting like a buffoon and giggling maniacally. Which doesn't make a great first impression. Especially when you are meeting a priest. Mike (the groom) looked super cute of course. He and Jen are like the perfect American couple and will no doubt have tall, lean, gorgeous children. Maybe they will have melon heads or something and I will have sweet revenge!

I was paired with Mike's brother, Matt. He is a junior at UVA and is studying voice. Nice. Selvi got the cute groomsman (of course) who also liked to make wildly inappropriate jokes. I think he and I are a match made in heaven. Rounding out the wedding party was Mike's sister, Laurie, (who I think is the coolest person ever and is only 11 years old) and his army buddy Alex. I gotta say, we were a good lookin crew. A hop, skip, and a rehearsal dinner later, Selvi had a new tire on her car, we were exhausted and tomorrow was the big day!

On the morning of the Jen was overly perky, I was tired, and Selvi was eating toast or something. She seemed pretty normal actually. Until we all started songs at the top of our lungs along with the "Jen and Maggie" mix I made. You haven't lived til you have seen me and Jen perform "Surrender" by Celine Dion. Awesome. At the ungodly hour of 9:00am we went to get out hair done. Those of you who have read Selvi's blog no doubt have heard her say her hair was BIG, but I am here to set the record straight. It looked great, it wasn't big, it just looked full. So stop your bitchin Selvi, you know it looked great. Jen looked gorgeous (as usual) and mine ranked an ok on the hair-o-meter. It was just pulled back and curly. No big whoop. We then retired to the house to get ready and get into our dresses. The photgrapher's daughter was on hand to take "candid" shots, which basically means she captured us acting like fools. Can't wait to see those! Jen looked like she belonged in a bridal magazine once we got her in the dress and from there on it was a fairy tale day. Especially since we were on time or early for everything. Miraculous.

After a quick stop to take some stunning pictures at a mansion in Fredericksburg, we were onto the church and the ceremony. It was a full catholic mass, so we all had our weekly helpin of guilt. Jen and Mike said their vows, I managed not to cry, and we took even more pictures! And then hopped in the limo to head to a park to take more pictures. Whew! And then...

Onto the reception where we all indulged in good food, an open bar (wheeeee!), and a great DJ. Selvster and I danced the night away, I gave my speech and almost made myself and Jen cry, and tore it up. Jen forced me to sing some Madonna (literally dragged me to the microphone) and I danced with her brother Ryan (he's 21 already!) and was his first "real" dance partner. Awwww. The party ended too soon and at 7:45 we traveled back to the Caltabiano's for an after party that is bit a hazy to recollect (remember the open bar?). The newly made Mr. and Mrs. Herbek departed for their hotel and their cruise at about 10:00 and the rest of us crashed.

So there's the recap of the wedding. Nobody smooshed cake into anyone else's face, we survived the drawn sabers (army guys...pish), and a good time was had by all. It was the most fun and the most beautiful wedding I have been to. So now Arista and Hehe gotta step it up next year. You know what they say, three times a bridesmaid, never a...oh, shit. Thanks a lot Hehe.

Dammit, Jim, I'm a Wizard Not a Doctor!

I suddenly realized I have done no posting about Harry Potter. How could I have been so neglectful? One of the best franchises in the world, and I have been absolutely mum about it all this time. Tsk tsk to me.

Selvi's Mom: "Do you want to know who the half blood prince is?"

Selvi's Bro: "No."

Selvi's Mom: (pause) "It's SNAPE!"

Selvi's Bro: (blink blink)

Selvi's Mom: "Dumbledore dies."

I think this pretty much sums up your reaction to HP. You either love it and must talk about it at every opportunity and for great length, or you really don't give a shit and don't understand why everybody else goes so freakin crazy over books about wizards (or you think it's lame just because it's popular like I was with E.R. but turns out I was right about that one).

So HP is the shit and you should just take my word for it. But why do we love it? Who knows? Ok, I know, but I'm not telling. Ok, I'm telling. Everyone wants to think they could have special powers, everyone wants to think dragons exist, everyone wants to think the nerdy girl can end up with the boy she likes, everyone loves a tale of an epic battle between good and evil. So there you go. Combine some classic storytelling elements with raging teenage hormones and a blockbuster is born! Plus, the movies kick major ass. And I don't care what you say--Daniel Radcliffe is the cutest thing since jesus.

You might be wondering: what is your favorite part of Harry Potter? Ok, here it is. Harry arrives at the Burrow and is told to go out in the garden and help get rid of garden gnomes. First of all, I love garden gnomes. I love them in movies (Amelie), I love them in commerials (travelocity--"am I going to die?"), I love them in real life (see re: Frederick my garden gnome who lives on top of my tv), and I love them in Harry Potter. To rid your garden of gnomes, you grab them by the head, swing them around, and toss them. The gnomes then dizzily stumble away and probably head back into their hole right after you leave the garden. This scene in the book is probably the funniest and most charming scene in modern literature. Disagree? Well, then fuck you.

But Harry Potter is the great uniter. Everyone can talk about it whether you are young, old, girl, boy, rich, poor, white, non-white...everyone! I am convinced the only people who don't like Harry Potter are those without souls or communists (who then go on to download illegal translations of it...take that China!). I mean, how can you diss some little kid with a lightning scar who has to save the world? He's just so darn cute and has become quite a sassy teenagr as the latest book shows.

So here's to all the Harry Potter fans! If JK keeps writing, I'll keep buying. And I absolutely cannot wait for the next movie to come out. Book 4 is my fav! And here is the most evil t-shirt EVER!

http://www.tshirthell.com/dumbledore.htm

Hard at Work or Hardly Working?

Here I am. First day of work. How's it going? I am sitting here updating my blog, how do you think it is going?

Here is a breakdown of the day thus far...

5:45: I wake up and look at the alarm clock. Sweet! I still have 45 minutes until my alarm goes off. The plan is to get up at 6:30, get on the treadmill, shower, eat breakfast, get on the road by 8:15.

8:13: Wake up and look at the alarm clock. Shit! I set it for 6:30pm. Jump out of bed (ignoring my recent pilates related soreness), brush teeth, brush hair, put in contacts, throw on clothes.

8:24: Leave the house. Thank god I had already picked out my outfit the night before.

8:46: Arrive at my new building (behind the Marlo furniture in Alexandria). Thank god (again) that there is no traffic in my morning commute--the key is to drive AWAY from the Wilson Bridge.

8:55: After applying make-up, proceed to security desk. I gave the security lady my contact's name. Oh, wait, he's not in today. And his replacement isn't in today. The security lady calls someone else in the office who has never heard of me. He's going to "grab my file" and then come down and get me from the lobby.

9:25: Half an hour later, the guy (who never tells me his name) shows up and takes me to the office. The woman who makes the permanent badges isn't in today (shocker) but at least I have a desk. Actually a really nice desk. They say it will take a few days for my computer and phone to be hooked up, but there already a computer and phone on the desk. Hmmm. I con the nice lady in the office next to me into using her password so I can sign on. Yay me!

11:47: I've now been sitting here for two hours and nobody has given me an assignment. Although someone did come by and said he had something very confusing (my words, not his) for me to work on, but he had to run it by "Adam" first and would get back to me after lunch. So I will proceed with my plan of surfing the internet.

Yay federal government!

I'll Make a Brand New Start of It

I realized I had not yet imparted to the masses the celebratory post-bar trip to New York City. Picture this: "the perfect bride-to-be," Jennifer, "the human equivalent of Encyclopedia Britannica," Paul, "I'm tall, Indian, and hot and you better not forget it or I'll bitch slap yo ass", Selvi, and "chock-full-of-foibles" me. All of us in a car for 5 hours there, 5 hours back and 2 days together and WE SURVIVED. Always a good sign when friendships can endure long trips. To this day the only person I have spent a huge amount of time with and not wanted to kill is Patrick ('sup patricio).

So we all gathered in the mecca of the stage for some good old fashioned theatre. Monty Python's Spamalot. Hell yeah. And luckily scored some last minute tickets to Rent. I think Jennifer fell in love with Roger and I fell in love with Mark. That guy can tango. Other than annoying ushers making us move and walk around the aisle and climb over seats when the people they were trying to seat could have just walked around to their seats (argh!) the show was great. But, turn down those mikes dude. Jesus.

The next day was Spamalot, which by the way, best show ever. No Tim Curry for me, but David Hyde Pierce and Alan Tudyk more than made up for that. All I have to say is: sparkly cod piece. It plays a large role. That is all. Unfortunately, the great Sara Rameriz did not make an appearance. But I loved the show so much I got tickets for me and my mom to see it in April. On April Fool's Day. I figure all the cast will want to be there on that day.

After spending too much money at dinner, having Selvi cut her hand on a piece of glass in her booth (welcome to new york!) and blowing far too much money at Macy's I think we were all ready to come home. Especially since I had to restrain for beating a certain member of our group...you know who I mean. Anyways, we escaped unscathed and Selvi did a kickass job of driving in the city. Watch out supercross, here she comes!

Coming up in the next week's blog entry: Jennifer's wedding extravaganza! Will I make it down the aisle without falling? Will my dress still zip all the way up after all that chocolate? Will I totally humiliate myself giving my speech at the reception? Will Mike's groomsmen be of the cute not-creepy variety? Stay tuned!

Blast From the Past (hollywood style)

Hey kiddies. With my abundance of free time I have decided to perform a public service. I am going to recommend my top 5 movies of my childhood. Now, let's get the disclaimer out of the way. I am making no statements promising these movies are "good." I found them entertaining, watched them over and over (and over and over), memorized them, and was just in general fixated. So if you are looking for a good flick to take you back to the glory days, here's a list!

Mannequin: Ok, so bear with me on this one. Kim Catrell (who hasn't aged a day...well, maybe a month) is a mannequin who magically comes to life and falls in love with a department store window dresser, Andrew McCarthy. We've also got Estelle Getty, James Spader, that dude from the Police Academy movies, and one of the funniest gay performances from the black guy on Designing Women. Plug in a few awesome musical montages, some costume changes, a few kinky situations, and a fab soundtrack and you've got cinema gold. Some people might say this is bad movie but I will always think of it fondly. PS: do not under any circumstances watch the sequel. I am serious. DO NOT WATCH IT. But the first one is awesome.

Adventures in Babysitting: This one is classic. In Chris Columbus' directorial debut, Elizabeth Shue has one hell of a night babysitting for the neighbors kids (inlcuding that cute guy from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead--which is NOT on this list). In random trivia news, Anthony Rapp who plays the smartass Daryl went on to play Mark in the original broadway cast of Rent. Kind of cool, don't you think? So anyway this movie is great, has some classic comedy lines, and watch for Bradley Whitford of West Wing fame getting kicked in the ass. Priceless.

Princess Bride: Do I really need to spell this one out for you?

Ghostbusters 2: Don't hate me because I have bad taste in movies. So many great character actors, so little time. Especially Peter McNichol. And oceans of pink slime. And dancing toasters. And Egon. Gotta love me some Egon. Does anybody remember the cartoon of these movies? I loved that cartoon. There was this one really scary episode where this Freddy Krueger-esque guy would go into kid's dreams...oops sorry I was talking about the movie. So it turns out there is a painting of this Eastern Eurpean madman which is haunted and tries to possess Sigourney Weaver's baby. It's better than it sounds. Although not that much better. But, come on, it's the ghostbusters!

And the last movie to make the Maggie Cats cut is...Candyman. This movie fucked me up. Like seriously. Fucked. Me. Up. I rented it with my friend Sarah and we watched it one night at a sleepover. There was no sleeping and there was no over. Big creepy black man with a hook and a major 'tude. And Virginia Madsen loooong before Sideways made her legit. And watch for the super creepy Ted Raimi cameo. I love him. Anyways, this movie is all about urban legends. I dare anyone to go in their bathroom with the lights turned out and say "Candyman" three times. Just do it when I am not around. And watch this one with other people. For the love of God! Think of the children!